Why So Lonely?
Lonelyyyy, I’m Mr. Lonelyyyy, I got nobodyyyy for my own. You know the song, that really annoying song by Akon. I don’t think there is a single one of us that has not, at some point in our lives, felt alone. Whether you are actually alone in the middle of a figurative wasteland, or awash in a sea of people, no one escapes without getting hit square in the chest from time to time by that feeling of longing to be connected and understood.
The weird truth in all of this? That sense of loneliness that we all feel at times, is exactly what ensures that we are never truly alone. It is the one thing we can all, on some small level, understand. It is one of those few things we all share in common.
No matter how much you hide your bad day, no matter how hard you try to wear your mask and pretend everything is alright, part of you always hopes that someone will know you well enough to notice the little things about you and see right through the facade. Someone who knows you so well that your little tells become the most obvious thing in the world to them. At the end of the day, we all just want to feel understood. We want to feel like someone knows us, not just the facts about us, we want someone that we know knows us because we have allowed them to know every side of us. They know the good, the bad, and the truly ugly... and they accept us for it.
For those of you who have succeeded in finding that person, good! Whether they are a partner, a family member, or a best friend, hang on to them and never ever let them go. If you have that person, never allow yourself to take them for granted, always show your appreciation. Fight for them with everything you’ve got because the only thing that will make feeling alone and not feeling understood feel worse, is knowing that you had that person and you let them go. Not only will you have lost them, but you will be left alone fearing you will never get that chance again.
For those of you who have yet to find that one person who is just… tuned in to you, try to be patient and don't close yourself off in despair because no one can really get to know you unless you are willing to give them a chance.
Okay, so back on point.
If we all feel this way, why does it still feel like no one understands?
Well, because despite the end result being the same, we all experience different roads in getting there. We also all make the mistake of trying to compare our roads. Whose road has the most bumps, whose was void of all signs of life? Whose was a road full of people looking anywhere but at them? Is it worse to be in an empty room, or is it worse to be in a room full of joyous people who don’t even seem to know you exist, who don't see you and therefor could never think to ask you to join in any of their reindeer games?
The answer? Because understanding is either a baby monitor or a two way radio, it isn't a TV. You can't just decide you want to watch HBO and order the channel. Some people happen to be like a baby monitor in that they are just naturally observant and understanding of who ever they set their recording radio beside, everyone else is a Walkie Talkie. It takes two people willing to open up and get to know each other to reach that level of understanding. Not everyone is willing to put down their paired radio beside guaranteed radio silence in the hopes of learning something.
What I'm saying is if you want to understand, you have to listen, if you want them to talk you have to put a bit of yourself out there to invite them to open up and talk.
This connection and understanding is not only for partners in a relationship, it's for the people in your every day life, your friends and your family. If you want to be understood, you have to work to understand. You have to invite them to meet you half way.
True understanding is not in a moment but in an accumulation of moments. It is a way of living.
So how do you go about this understanding? How do you level up to a two way radio or become a baby monitor?
If someone is saying something that gives you pause, investigate. Let them know that if you are being too nosey, all they have to do is say so and you will lay off. Inviting understanding means creating trust, it means seeking more information without forcing it from the person you wish to better understand.
Just met someone new? Play the why game. Why might they do the things they do? Why might they say the things they say? Everyone has a perspective, a story behind why they are the people they are today.
Make a mental note of the little things. Make a mental note of the big things. Are they off alone more often than not? Why? Are they simply independent introverts, or have they been hurt and now have difficulty trusting?
It is far too easy to fall into the habit of making judgments. Assuming we know all the answers based on norms and stereotyped reasons. That person doesn't talk much, they're a bitch/asshole who thinks they are better than me. Probably not the case, in fact, sometimes it is the polar opposite. Sometimes people isolate themselves because they fear everyone else is too good for them.
That person is covered in tattoos and piercings, they must be mean. Nope, chances are they do that because they don't want to invite people in who may hurt them. They give people an exterior to judge because it hurts less than being judged for who they are inside.
Think about it, surely you have been wrongly judged in the past? What did people think? What was the real motivation behind your behaviour? My favourite fiction author Sherrilyn Kenyon had one of her characters say ''There are three sides to every story: yours, theirs, and the truth somewhere in the middle.'' I for one love this quote and invite you all to gain better understanding by searching for the truth in every story, every interaction.
No matter how much you hide your bad day, no matter how hard you try to wear your mask and pretend everything is alright, part of you always hopes that someone will know you well enough to notice the little things about you and see right through the facade. Someone who knows you so well that your little tells become the most obvious thing in the world to them. At the end of the day, we all just want to feel understood. We want to feel like someone knows us, not just the facts about us, we want someone that we know knows us because we have allowed them to know every side of us. They know the good, the bad, and the truly ugly... and they accept us for it.
For those of you who have succeeded in finding that person, good! Whether they are a partner, a family member, or a best friend, hang on to them and never ever let them go. If you have that person, never allow yourself to take them for granted, always show your appreciation. Fight for them with everything you’ve got because the only thing that will make feeling alone and not feeling understood feel worse, is knowing that you had that person and you let them go. Not only will you have lost them, but you will be left alone fearing you will never get that chance again.
For those of you who have yet to find that one person who is just… tuned in to you, try to be patient and don't close yourself off in despair because no one can really get to know you unless you are willing to give them a chance.
Okay, so back on point.
If we all feel this way, why does it still feel like no one understands?
Well, because despite the end result being the same, we all experience different roads in getting there. We also all make the mistake of trying to compare our roads. Whose road has the most bumps, whose was void of all signs of life? Whose was a road full of people looking anywhere but at them? Is it worse to be in an empty room, or is it worse to be in a room full of joyous people who don’t even seem to know you exist, who don't see you and therefor could never think to ask you to join in any of their reindeer games?
The answer? Because understanding is either a baby monitor or a two way radio, it isn't a TV. You can't just decide you want to watch HBO and order the channel. Some people happen to be like a baby monitor in that they are just naturally observant and understanding of who ever they set their recording radio beside, everyone else is a Walkie Talkie. It takes two people willing to open up and get to know each other to reach that level of understanding. Not everyone is willing to put down their paired radio beside guaranteed radio silence in the hopes of learning something.
What I'm saying is if you want to understand, you have to listen, if you want them to talk you have to put a bit of yourself out there to invite them to open up and talk.
This connection and understanding is not only for partners in a relationship, it's for the people in your every day life, your friends and your family. If you want to be understood, you have to work to understand. You have to invite them to meet you half way.
True understanding is not in a moment but in an accumulation of moments. It is a way of living.
So how do you go about this understanding? How do you level up to a two way radio or become a baby monitor?
If someone is saying something that gives you pause, investigate. Let them know that if you are being too nosey, all they have to do is say so and you will lay off. Inviting understanding means creating trust, it means seeking more information without forcing it from the person you wish to better understand.
Just met someone new? Play the why game. Why might they do the things they do? Why might they say the things they say? Everyone has a perspective, a story behind why they are the people they are today.
Make a mental note of the little things. Make a mental note of the big things. Are they off alone more often than not? Why? Are they simply independent introverts, or have they been hurt and now have difficulty trusting?
It is far too easy to fall into the habit of making judgments. Assuming we know all the answers based on norms and stereotyped reasons. That person doesn't talk much, they're a bitch/asshole who thinks they are better than me. Probably not the case, in fact, sometimes it is the polar opposite. Sometimes people isolate themselves because they fear everyone else is too good for them.
That person is covered in tattoos and piercings, they must be mean. Nope, chances are they do that because they don't want to invite people in who may hurt them. They give people an exterior to judge because it hurts less than being judged for who they are inside.
Think about it, surely you have been wrongly judged in the past? What did people think? What was the real motivation behind your behaviour? My favourite fiction author Sherrilyn Kenyon had one of her characters say ''There are three sides to every story: yours, theirs, and the truth somewhere in the middle.'' I for one love this quote and invite you all to gain better understanding by searching for the truth in every story, every interaction.
So whether you want to better understanding yourself, better understanding others, or be better understood by someone else, it all starts with the giving and receiving of a simple why.
Cheers!
The Bra Street Rambler
Comments
Post a Comment