You Don't Know
Some time ago, I wrote a post titled “Only Fools Know All”, which pointed out to readers that there is always an opportunity to learn more about the world around us, more to the point of that particular article, an opportunity to learn more about ones self.
This week, I wish to convey the importance of the title used for that post. A title I almost used for this post before scanning through past Rambler musings to see what might be relevant and realizing it had already been used.
So often, we use the phrase “I know you ...” or “...because I know you.” in regards to those we are close to in life as a way of indicating to them that we recognize certain behaviours, lasting opinions, and patterns in their lives. We use it to indicate that we see them for the person they are. I know I'm certainly guilty of this. However, the truth is that we do not.
We do not know. We can pay attention and recognize, we can develop a certain level of understanding of the circumstances they face or live with, but we cannot know them or their situations without truly having experienced them.
For example, I know what my best friends enjoy, I know certain things that hurt them, and I can often guess how they might react to a certain situation. However, I do not know the depth of the sentiments they feel in regards to any of those things. I do not know why they feel the level of emotion they feel for them. I know only what they have chosen to tell me. I know only the glimpses I have been permitted to observe and the commonalities that can be drawn from my own repertoire of experiences.
A friend may tell me she is mad at her boyfriend for something he did, she may choose not to tell me about the fact that he also did something else that hurt her. I may know what she is telling me but can't understand how she is feeling because I don't know every factor involved in her personal story. I have not experienced it for myself.
A friend who identifies as being part of a minority may express to me a sentiment of oppression and I could understand how that would make them feel bad, I could recognize that there are factors involved that are emotionally unpleasant. However, that does not mean that I know what it feels like regardless of the fact that I may compare it to a similar situation I have experienced.
I don't know.
I don't know, and that's okay.
The goal is not to understand, the goal is merely to keep trying to understand.
Think about the times when you've been going through something and someone has said they understand, that they know how you feel. Yes, it may have felt nice to have someone acknowledge your sentiments in a way that made you feel less alone but how quickly that comfort dissipates when someone starts drawing comparisons to a story you feel really isn't the same thing at all.
You end up feeling more alone. You end up feeling like the two stories are entirely different and that they are trying to make it about them or, at the very least, that they are not listening. That being said, if you can find a way to allow someone to see what you do understand while acknowledging that you know it's not quite the same and that you don't know exactly what they are feeling or going through, you then demonstrate to them just how much your are paying attention and how much you are trying to understand without assuming you know. You are showing that you are listening to them with the goal of hearing what they are trying to say.
Part of listening is respecting the person who is conveying something to you. That means accepting their point of view and feelings as being something personal to the individual. You may not understand it, you may not agree with it, but if you care about someone you should respect them and try to understand that they are entitled to their emotions as they all derive from perspectives developed over the course of many different experiences. To truly respect them, to truly seek to understand them means sometimes putting aside our own ego long enough to accept and know that we do not know, that we cannot know.
So often, we use the phrase “I know you ...” or “...because I know you.” in regards to those we are close to in life as a way of indicating to them that we recognize certain behaviours, lasting opinions, and patterns in their lives. We use it to indicate that we see them for the person they are. I know I'm certainly guilty of this. However, the truth is that we do not.
We do not know. We can pay attention and recognize, we can develop a certain level of understanding of the circumstances they face or live with, but we cannot know them or their situations without truly having experienced them.
For example, I know what my best friends enjoy, I know certain things that hurt them, and I can often guess how they might react to a certain situation. However, I do not know the depth of the sentiments they feel in regards to any of those things. I do not know why they feel the level of emotion they feel for them. I know only what they have chosen to tell me. I know only the glimpses I have been permitted to observe and the commonalities that can be drawn from my own repertoire of experiences.
A friend may tell me she is mad at her boyfriend for something he did, she may choose not to tell me about the fact that he also did something else that hurt her. I may know what she is telling me but can't understand how she is feeling because I don't know every factor involved in her personal story. I have not experienced it for myself.
A friend who identifies as being part of a minority may express to me a sentiment of oppression and I could understand how that would make them feel bad, I could recognize that there are factors involved that are emotionally unpleasant. However, that does not mean that I know what it feels like regardless of the fact that I may compare it to a similar situation I have experienced.
I don't know.
I don't know, and that's okay.
The goal is not to understand, the goal is merely to keep trying to understand.
Think about the times when you've been going through something and someone has said they understand, that they know how you feel. Yes, it may have felt nice to have someone acknowledge your sentiments in a way that made you feel less alone but how quickly that comfort dissipates when someone starts drawing comparisons to a story you feel really isn't the same thing at all.
You end up feeling more alone. You end up feeling like the two stories are entirely different and that they are trying to make it about them or, at the very least, that they are not listening. That being said, if you can find a way to allow someone to see what you do understand while acknowledging that you know it's not quite the same and that you don't know exactly what they are feeling or going through, you then demonstrate to them just how much your are paying attention and how much you are trying to understand without assuming you know. You are showing that you are listening to them with the goal of hearing what they are trying to say.
Part of listening is respecting the person who is conveying something to you. That means accepting their point of view and feelings as being something personal to the individual. You may not understand it, you may not agree with it, but if you care about someone you should respect them and try to understand that they are entitled to their emotions as they all derive from perspectives developed over the course of many different experiences. To truly respect them, to truly seek to understand them means sometimes putting aside our own ego long enough to accept and know that we do not know, that we cannot know.
So cheers to my Bros and Bras who accept that they do not know, for the moment we think we know everything we cease to be able to learn.
The Bra Street Rambler
It certainly is frustrating when you are are trying to explain something personal and the person you are telling hijacks your story by telling you of a similar experience. Just listen and try to empathize.
ReplyDeleteI've always wished we could just telepathically transmit what we are thinking and feeling, to avoid all the confusion that seems to occur when trying to communicate with clumsy words.
Thank you very much for commenting!
DeleteIt does seem that skipping speech altogether would facilitate communication. My friend and I always say that we "Hear the meaning, not the words." when we try to correct the way we've said something only to realize the other person already understands.
I believe it also helps going into a conversation to specify what it is we are trying to get from it. Often, when turning to my best friend, I'll tell him "I just need to vent today" so he knows that I'm looking for a listening ear rather than problem solving right in that instant.