Holiday Grievings

I wasn't sure I was going to make time for a post this week, that I would want to. Then, I'd convinced myself that I was only turning on the computer to type up a quick post wishing all of my Ramblers a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a Happy New Year. However, now that I have a draft open, I'm discovering there are things I need to share that perhaps others can relate to.

The holidays can be a difficult time for many, especially those who have lost someone this time of year, or who find themselves alone during the holidays.  If you have been following my blog, you may remember that I lost someone during the holidays a few years ago. Christmas hasn't really been the same since. It is with great difficulty and heavy sadness that my family has had to say goodbye to someone else this week.

There aren't really words to describe the multitude of feelings you go through during this time. The ups, the downs, the numbs, the grasping for distractions, there's so much going on and very little time to process things when everything is happening so fast and you're entertaining during a busy time of year. Especially when there hasn't been any form of ceremony to offer closure. 

I'm not even sure I've allowed it to fully sink in just yet, as with the last holiday loss, this one was neither quick, nor unexpected but it still hit really hard. What I am sure of is that I am not alone. While it is with a very heavy weight in my heart, and I find myself giving way to my emotions as I type this last minute post, I am entirely grateful for the people in my life that have been there for me through all of the emotional days and nights leading up to it. Some were coworkers who so kindly offered hugs and support at work, who were understanding of time taken off, and who were sympathetic/empathetic in general. Some were family who listened even when they were going through the same pains and emotions, who turned to one another for love and support, for understanding. Some were friends willing to drop everything to come over and offer company so I wouldn't be alone. Some gave up precious early morning hours of sleep to offer a kind ear, comforting words, and company when the news came and it was their voice I needed to hear. 

This is the comfort I am reminding myself I have during this time and the days to come. These are the people I will need to remind myself are around so that I don't become overwhelmed with what I am feeling. Unfortunately it is from experience that I know I must now find my own way of dealing with what has happened, to discover a way to allow myself to properly grieve and honor the person I have lost. It took a few tries last time, and I know it will likely take a few more this time, but with the love and support of those around me, I know I'll get through it. 

Why do I find this so important to share? Because people often underestimate the weight of loss, often they are unable to recognize how much it will affect them. I have found that if we don't allow ourselves to feel the negative, and to allow it to evolve into a peaceful positive, we carry it with us like a boulder in a backpack. It ways us down with a presence that makes it hard to remember anything else in the backpack. We become so consumed with our grief, by those final moments of emotion, that we forget the good memories we shared with our lost loved one. Our grief becomes a veil over the good times that cause us to cry and shy away from them rather than to view them with a bittersweet smile, and eventually with happiness and fondness. 

So my goal now will be to allow myself to feel my sadness, to recognize my loss, and to find a way to reconnect myself to that person in a positive way because even if they are physically gone, they are still here in my heart and in the memories they gave me. 

I'm not grieving so that I can move on and forget, but rather so that I can let go of the negativity that surrounds the loss and hold on to what is important; the happiness that person brought into my life while they were here. 

So to all those Ramblers out there holding on to a loss during this holiday season, you're not alone. You're allowed to feel what you're feeling, and you're allowed to learn to smile again. It's okay to cry, but it's also okay to look back and relive the smiles those special people brought to your faces. 

With love and hope,

The Bra Street Rambler